Woke up at 6am then to the office, saying hi to everyone doing Internet until noon, to Brigite's to eat lunch, to Kabore's and fall asleep, to Mr. Karate's to say hi, to Malo's store ending up having a discussion on a topic of race, to No-Biel to give hugs to Chieck and Marcus, to Sami's to drink a cup of tea, then back home washing myself and clothes, then it's already passed 6pm.
ただ思う、こんなにも素直に、おかえりと全力で私を迎えてくれる場所がこの世界にあるのだろうか、と。アメリカの田舎でもそうだったが、ストレートで過剰な表現を私はとても好いている。なににしろ嘘だらけの世界だとしても、そこには必ず本当があり、だとしたら気持ち良い嘘をついたほうが健全でいられる気がする。気持ち良いエネルギーに上乗せをして、発信してみる。それを信じきれば、本当であったと言っていいのだろうし。
I just wonder sometimes, that if there are any other places in this world where people welcome me with so much energies being expressed. Similar feeling I had in a countryside in the states, but I like this way of expression of love towards people, the expression that is very direct and could seem exaggerated. This world could be just with full of lies but there always be the truths inside. Then I'd rather live in the world where is filled with positive lies. Maybe exaggerate one's tiny positive energy to the maximum, then let it be out. If I can believe it till the end, then I can say it all was just the truth, at least for me.
人々は私が日本人であるがゆえに価値を感じているのかもしれない。いや、勿論それだけでは全然ないけれど、それもある。でも、だから、何。一生変わらない。見た目や肌の色や、母国語や育ったその文化は、一生変わらない。だから、私が私であるという証ですらある。変わるものばかりで確信が持てない日々の中で、変えられないものは大切にすべきものと結びついているかもしれないんだ、と思う。
Maybe they like me because I'm Japanese, because I'm a foreigner. Of course that can't be the only reason but should be a part. But so what. That can't be changed. The way I look, my skin color, my native tone, or the culture I was raised in, will never change. Those things can even be the proof of myself for being myself. In these very changeable days that I don't know where to find sure things, I should keep those unchangeable myself because they could indicate me the path to look back when I get lost, to confirm myself.
人種の違いにより区別されることによる疎外感は未だに私に付きまとう。10代の頃、多数が価値を感じるであろうことを馬鹿らしいと一笑してしまう自身に、他者と同じでいられない自身に、劣等感さえ感じていたためだろうか、未だにお前は違うんだよと言われることを苦痛に感じることがある。でももっとキツイのは、私たちはみんな同じだから、それに価値を感じないお前は間違っていると感じさせられることで、それよりは最初から違うと諦めてもらったほうがやはり幾分楽なのだとも思う。
After a year, I still get annoyed by my own feelings of isolation regarding to people's tendency of making differences between myself and themselves for our skin color. Maybe it is because in my teens I was feeling inferior in comparison to others for not being able to find what they seemed to find important important. Maybe that's why I still don't like it when being told that I am different. But the hardest was when being told that I was wrong because there is a universal right and I didn't consider it so. Then maybe it's way easier to be given up at the first place for the reason that I'm different that I can't be helped.
昔からそうなのだが、ほぼ毎日がまるで生まれたてみたいに、どうなるかわからない。パフォーマンスをする時や決められた仕事の時などは、無理やり何かわかったような風にして、そこでその瞬間最善で居られる為に自分の中身を作り込む事が出来るようになったから、かろうじて生活というものを送れているような気になっているのだけれど、そうでなければ毎度その時々の自身と向き合って、さあどうしたものかと考えるものだから、毎日がとても面倒くさくて、とても新鮮だ。
Everyday is very new as if I am just born when I wake up. I've been almost always like this since long time ago. When there is a performance to give or a fixed work to do, I kinda fake myself with force to make me exist in a spot where I can be the best of me for the time programmed. Because I've already learned how to prepare myself, I feel that I'm somehow managing to live a social life. But when there aren't those needs, I face to myself at each moment to ponder what the heck to do now, or now, or now, everyday is very tiresome and very new.
そういう面倒くさい自身に疲れることも多々あって、もう冬眠したいぜとすら思ったりもするのだけれど、それでもいいよと愛してくれるから、私も私を出来るだけ愛して、やはり毎日を全力で生きていくしかないなと思うのだ。
Often that tiresome me makes me tired and I feel like I just wanna hibernate but because you say it's okay you still love me in the all the way how I am, I try to love me as well as much as possible, and then I think that I can only live my very new today with my best.
