現在妊娠22週となり、法律的にも堕胎不可能な時期になったことで、堕胎する気は元々ないが、この妊娠がどうなろうとももうこの子供と過ごした時間は無かったことにはできないなと思うので、書き溜めていた文章を公表していくことにした。
Now at 22 weeks of pregnancy which in Japan is the week you can no longer do abortion. Not that I considered it but it makes me feel that no matter how this first pregnancy ends, I cannot erase the days I've spent with this kid in my womb, so I decided to share some posts I've saved during the early pregnancy.
妊娠5週から始まって、ピークは9週10週くらいだったと思う。ああもう嫌だと何回も呟いた。症状は、軽い船酔い感、時により眠気、食べないと嘔気、食べると嘔気、嘔吐、夜間頻尿、抑うつ、など。一日中水も飲めないとかそんなことはなかったし、つわり中に体重は1キロしか減らなかったし、午前か午後のどちらかは仕事していたし、もっと大変な人はいっぱいいるのは知ってる。でも、つらかった。程度はみんな違う。でもみんな、つらいと思う。誰かよりはマシだから…なんて思わなくていい。長いから余計つらいんだと思う。毎日昨日のことを忘れてたら多分ここまでつらくないけど、不調がとにかく、長く感じた。
My morning sickness started around 5th week and went on for about 3 months until it really felt like ended. " I can't do this anymore." I muttered many times.
My symptoms were mild motion-sickness-like nausea, occasional drowsiness, nausea when I didn’t eat, nausea when I did eat, vomiting, nighttime urinary frequency, and feeling blue.
I could drink or eat something, and lost only 1 kg. I know there are many people who have a much harder time than I did. But so what it doesn't matter. It was hard.
The degree is different for everyone, but I think it’s tough for everyone. You don’t need to think, “Someone has it worse, so I shouldn't say it's hard.” What makes it especially difficult is how long it lasts. If you could forget how you felt the day before, maybe it wouldn’t feel this overwhelming, but the prolonged discomfort just felt endless.
ピークの時はちょうど先の進路やらも決めていた時期で、今が具合悪いと最先全体的に不安になるし、具合悪いと私はやる気が起きなくて、仕事のモチベが上がらないとかそんなレベルの話じゃなくて、家の片付けもしたくなくて、永遠と洗濯物が干してあったり、流しに洗い物が溜まったり、デリバリーで毎日何千円も使ったり、漫画を読み続けたり、した。短い履歴書を完成するのに10日もかかった。なんだこれ、これが鬱なのかなあと思ってたら、11週くらいで、全然つらくない瞬間とかが日の中で出てきたり、つらくない夜が出てきたりして、ふと突然、朝起きて気分が楽だった日、掃除した。履歴書もその日の午後に書けた。鬱明けした、と思った。マタニティブルーズの妊娠初期バージョンかな。
During the peak of my symptoms, I was also trying to make decisions about my future, and feeling sick made me anxious about everything ahead. Moreover, I had no motivation about anything. Laundry stayed hanging forever, dishes piled up in the sink, I spent thousands of yen a day on delivery food, and just kept reading manga. It took me ten days to finish writing a CV, which usually takes me just an hour. Mild depression continued.
Then around week 11, I started to have moments I didn’t feel awful, and even some evenings that weren’t difficult. One morning I suddenly woke up feeling lighter, and I cleaned my room. I finished my CV that same afternoon. It almost felt like I had come out of a depressive fog. Maybe it was the early-pregnancy version of maternity blues.
治らない病気の友達に想いを馳せたりもした。自分はただのつわりなのだが、具合悪かったのは事実なので、具合悪いって本当にしんどいなと改めて思った。患者さんたちもしんどいな、鬱々とするよな、そりゃそうだわ、と思った。この時小児科をローテしてたんだが、みなさん優しくて、居やすくて、やっていけるなと思った、というのも翌年の進路を小児科にした理由だったりする。
I also found myself thinking about friends who have incurable illness. What I had was just morning sickness, but the fact is that I did feel unwell, and it reminded me how truly exhausting it is to feel sick. It made me realize again how hard it must be for my patients too—of course they feel worn down and depressed.
At that time, I was rotating in pediatrics, and everyone there was used to work with someone like me, very kind and supportive that I felt comfortable and didn't have to make myself feel like I'm a damn. That was one of the reasons why I chose pediatrics for my next year’s specialty.
凍結受精卵はまだあるので、あるだけ妊娠して産んだらいいと思っていたが、いやいや私にはそんな何度もは無理だ、と思った。世の中の母たち、マジで？え？子供産むってこんなつらいの？うそやん、と思った。マジみんなすげえって思った。自分のつわりは多分標準的っていうか、こんなもんな人は多いと思う。たまひよの同じくらいの周期の人たちの掲示板見てても、多分そう。いやー、大変すぎる。モー娘。の辻ちゃんもマジすごい。
母になった友人たちにこれを言うと、つわりの時期はもう嫌と思うが、産まれて育ててるとそのうちまた妊娠に気持ちが向いていくもんだ、と。
I still have some frozen embryos. so I used to think I should just get pregnant and give birth as many times as possible. But —no way, I can’t go through this multiple times.
Moms out there… seriously? Giving birth is this hard? I was shocked. My morning sickness was probably pretty average, nothing extreme. Still, it was way too hard.
Those moms who give births so many times, are seriously incredible. But friends say, it's normal to feel this way during this period but when and after the baby is born, you'd come to forget all those and may come to be ready to get pregnant again.
August 27 ultrasound
